Stills and a Memory

Note: This was to have been posted on September 13.

Today marks the six year anniversary of “the illness.”  Adult Onset Stills Disease as it was eventually diagnosed.  That story is for another time.

Now is a memory.  There is a mild ache in my left arm. You know, I get these passing aches here and there throughout my body.  There used to be aches that I thought would never go away, that I thought would stay as reminders.  This one is a bit new – it may be due to trying to incorporate more exercise, it may be a flare, it may be the workings of a new homeopathic remedy.  I’d guess that is the most likely given the sudden outburst of emotion I just experienced.

This mild ache reminded me of one the very many crosses God saw fit to send.  For a period of time, I wore an automatic blood pressure cuff.  Things were quite critical so I am sure it was easier to monitor than having a nurse come in every 15 minutes.

But … every 15 minutes!  It was, then, torture. 

The cry of my heart tonight is that I wanted so badly – not just then in the death grip of the blood pressure cuff, but at any point in this journey – to be held and told: everything is going to be okay.  We are going to be stronger for this.  It is okay to cry, to be scared, to be vulnerable.  It is ok and I am here with you.

But I never got any of that, not from whom I needed it.

Do not misunderstand.  I was far from alone.  The Good Lord carried me and sustained me.  But one would still have wished for certain earthly support.

Remind Me

Remembering

I saw of picture of you today and my heart just about stopped.  It was quite unexpected.  You were so young and beautiful then!

My heart sighed and nearly cried over what was, 
but could never have been.

It was so purely by chance that I took a peek at a high school reunion page.  There you were, with a group of friends.  I remember some of them, too.  So very young.

This must have been not too long before we met.  31 years ago?

My heart did sigh and nearly cry with longing and regret over the love we shared, but lost in foolish youth.

It could never have been anything more.  We were two broken hearts, too young and broken to heal each other.  It was not at all perfect or ideal, and it was far from pure.  But it was real.

My heart does break and now it aches – remembering.

I never wanted to love anyone other than you.  My heart broke for years and years running away from the pain of being without you.  And I remembered only the awful things.  I forgot how much I loved you indeed.  For real.

            My heart now mourns what could have been, but never was.

And yet – I am glad to see that picture of you then, so young and beautiful, before the awful things.  It is good to see that face again.  Not the awful one that occasionally haunts my dreams. 

Maybe now my heart will be at peace. 
May your own heart be whole and at peace, as well.

Of Blogs and Beginnings

If you are here and do not yet know me: peace be to you.  Welcome.  

If we have known each other awhile, may I begin with this:

Forgive me for hurting you or causing scandal in any way.  I was horrible and mean.  Perhaps, then, I did not know why, but somewhere deep inside, I was hurting and so tried to hurt you in return.  That was wrong.  Forgive me.

I apologize for failing you, for not living up to what I said I was.  Perhaps I presented an impossible ideal, one I could not live up to, and I let you down. I made all of the wrong choices, set a bad example, and allowed emotions to conquer principles.  Forgive me.

My life was, in a sense, a lie, because I did not live as I professed to believe.  What decisions have you made, perhaps wrongly, because of my own failure to live rightly?  Forgive me.

It has taken years and years, and failure upon failure, with loss upon loss, to finally begin to live as I believe.  Even so I fail and fall each day.

And what do I believe?

With all of my heart, I profess the Catholic Creed:

I believe in God, the Father almighty,

Creator of heaven and earth,

and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,

who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary,

suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried;

He descended into hell; the third day he rose again from the dead;

He ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of God the Father almighty;

from there He will come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Ghost, the Holy Catholic Church,

the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins,

the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting.

Amen.

It is true.  If you have known me at all you know I have never professed anything else. In spite of my sins and weaknesses, I have only believed in Jesus, and Him crucified. I have only ever believed in the One Holy Catholic Apostolic Church established by Jesus Christ for the salvation of mankind.

I beg your forgiveness for setting a poor example, for being a totally wretched Catholic, for giving every reason for believing that anything else is okay.

My sins are all my own. The Catholic Church as the mystical body of Jesus Christ is without spot.  May you see in me now what I should have always been: a faithful child of Jesus Christ.

I pray now to finally – finally – live and breathe as a good Catholic ought – to pick up my cross daily and follow Christ, to live without shame or apology in being Catholic.

If you are here seeking me from yesterday, I hope you find someone better, someone true.

It is with gratitude that I take this opportunity to apologize and ask your forgiveness.

From here on, I wish to advance humbly, yet surely, on the way of the Cross and grace.  I pray you will continue with me a while yet in this vale of tears.

Pax Domini.