Today
marks the six year anniversary of “the illness.” Adult Onset Stills Disease as it was
eventually diagnosed. That story is for
another time.
Now
is a memory. There is a mild ache in my
left arm. You know, I get these passing aches here and there throughout my
body. There used to be aches that I
thought would never go away, that I thought would stay as reminders. This one is a bit new – it may be due to
trying to incorporate more exercise, it may be a flare, it may be the workings
of a new homeopathic remedy. I’d guess
that is the most likely given the sudden outburst of emotion I just
experienced.
This
mild ache reminded me of one the very many crosses God saw fit to send. For a period of time, I wore an automatic blood
pressure cuff. Things were quite
critical so I am sure it was easier to monitor than having a nurse come in
every 15 minutes.
But
… every 15 minutes! It was, then,
torture.
The
cry of my heart tonight is that I wanted so badly – not just then in the death grip
of the blood pressure cuff, but at any point in this journey – to be held and
told: everything is going to be okay. We
are going to be stronger for this. It is
okay to cry, to be scared, to be vulnerable.
It is ok and I am here with you.
But
I never got any of that, not from whom I needed it.
Do
not misunderstand. I was far from
alone. The Good Lord carried me and
sustained me. But one would still have
wished for certain earthly support.
